9 must-knows in the first 6 months of being a parent (and simple life lessons for all of us)
I’ll make this fast since chances are that you are reading this because you are a new parent and you have zero time, and even if you’re…
I’ll make this fast since chances are that you are reading this because you are a new parent and you have zero time, and even if you’re not, you still might have zero time. Now that I am a new mom and I’m caring for a young baby, I really appreciate helpful tips that get right to the point and come in list form. So here are mine: 9 things I learned in the first 6 months of being a parent (which also happen to be lessons I’ve learned earlier and ignored at various times across my life).
It’s all a phase. The good, the bad, all of it. Even the bad-sleep nights. Even the days you feel bound to the house for pumping or napping. Even the new rolling-over obsession that steamrolls right over that air-tight nap routine. Even clockwork feeding and poop times. Even the naps on your chest. Even the infant giggles. The good won’t stay good, sorry. But! The bad won’t stay bad either. I know it feels like the bad will stay bad forever, but I SWEAR, it never does. And, never count on the good staying good. Having expectations, good or bad, will break your spirit, because nothing can be counted on — it’s all a phase.
On that note… Play it by ear. Play everything by ear. Sure, you can schedule your kid with eating and naps, but then you are completely bound to your schedule, which I guess is fine if life NEVER sends you any hiccups. I say, play your day by ear. While you’re at it, play your night by ear. Schedule events that allow it (like workout classes, pedicures, chiropractor visits, etc.) hours or minutes before they happen if you can. Stay present with your situation, which means you shouldn’t bother optimizing your daily schedule until your day is already unfolding. You never know how your baby will wake up on any given day.
Well you have to plan some things in advance, like doctor’s visits, taking the car in to be fixed, right? Well, schedule those. But, plan on doing no more than TWO things a day. That’s it. Two. I’M SERIOUS. Try to do more, and watch yourself and/or your child slowly become undone faster than that Sweater Song. It might not happen immediately, but it will happen. If you’re feeling good towards the end of the day, sure, add something else in. But, plan on only one … no more than two events a day.
There will be some fights. It’s ok to wait to talk about it. Sometimes it’s probably even better to wait. Even if your partner did or said something that really really REALLY upset you, try waiting to talk about it. Wait even just a few breaths. Chances are, you’re sleep deprived which means you might not be processing your partner’s point of view correctly. Give it time and revisit it after a meal. Chances are, you also forgot to eat.
Books don’t know it all. Just do what is best for you and your family. Sure, some books are backed by research, but there are literally a million books out there on how to feed your baby, how to put them to sleep, etc. You will drive yourself nuts reading them all because they all contradict each other, even each with their own research. For the most part, they are all just stories of how those people got through the first 6–12 months of some babies’ lives. Take them as suggestions. Try to read your baby instead of just reading books. Trust yourself (and your baby) a little more than you think.
You control nothing. Sounds scary initially, but breathe and give it a second…. If you figure that most of the time everything falls into place organically anyway, then what a relief it is to know you control nothing. Not your daily schedule. Not how much your baby eats in a sitting. Not nap times. Not bath time. Not bedtime. Actually, never bedtime. It’s ok to not have a plan at all and see how things go. Sure, you are smarter than your baby. You can tell when she is fussy and know how to help her chill out. But, sometimes your baby knows just when to do things too. If I try to put my baby down before she shows signs of being tired, I will be fighting my baby to sleep for no reason.
Don’t check the clock in the middle of the night. If your baby has made weight after his two-week visit, and is staying on his growth curve, there is NO REASON TO CHECK THE CLOCK. Doing so will only start your brain doing math and trying to anticipate what your baby needs next and when. Don’t do math in the middle of the night. Your baby WILL wake you with his needs. Who cares when it was. Knowing you got back to sleep easily will be of more value to you than knowing when your baby woke you in the middle of the night or even knowing how much sleep you got.
Speaking of time… Don’t go future-tripping. And, don’t create problems that don’t exist. Worry loves to go future-tripping and adores making up stories of problems that haven’t happened. Quick story. My baby seemed close to rolling over about a month before she actually did it. People told me I better hurry up and teach her to sleep without being swaddled because once she rolls, she won’t be able to sleep swaddled. But at the time, she needed her swaddle to sleep. Believe me, we were terrified of her rolling over. So, we tried to unswaddle her. Once. Then, we realized, she hadn’t rolled over. Why didn’t we just keep swaddling her until she did? We had created a problem that didn’t exist yet. We would have lost a month’s worth of sleep if we had future-tripped and listened to those people’s advice. Now that my baby rolls over, she is more ready to sleep without her swaddle. See that? Perfect timing! Sometimes it happens organically.
Take time to be alone, away from baby, every day. Doctor’s orders. My doctor ordered them to help with my post-partum anxiety. I’m happy to share my prescription. It works. When I do this, I feel like myself again. I’m no longer just a boob for my baby, a diaper changer, or a ridiculous song singer. Even with a simple walk around the block by myself, I’m me again.
I’m 100% sure these life lessons can be applied across stages in life, not just to being a parent. Just replace “baby” with whatever it is you are working on. If that is too hard, I will paraphrase in a non-baby way:
Everything changes, so, don’t attach to the bad or to the good.
Be flexible.
Don’t overbook yourself. Enjoy life as it unfolds.
Breathe. Also, remember to eat!
Trust yourself.
Trust the universe.
Time doesn’t exist in sleep.
Time doesn’t exist in general. The only time is right now. Stay present.
Be alone. Meditate. Feel yourself again.
Of course, the hard part is remembering to put this advice into practice when you’re in the moment. To be honest, you’re going to have to find a different article to help you with that one. I’m still working on it myself. The first step for me was writing it all down.
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